John Mulaney, the American stand-up comedian, actor, writer and producer, has been making us laugh since 2006 when he performed his first comedy routine at an open mic night in New York City.
Since then, Mulaney has made numerous appearances on both the big and small screen, created and starred in his own sitcom called Mulaney, co-written several New York Times Best Selling books and even won an Emmy Award for writing on Saturday Night Live.
If you’re feeling down, just pick up one of these Funniest John Mulaney quotes to remind yourself to lighten up!
Funniest John Mulaney Quotes
I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants. ―John Mulaney
Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome. ―John Mulaney
Now I get to say, ‘My wife,’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say, ‘My wife.’ ―John Mulaney
Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy. ―John Mulaney
Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for. ―John Mulaney
I was just trying to blend the stand up that I do almost with like the visual sketch stuff that I did on “Saturday Night Live.” And so in terms of how elastic in the world is, we’ll see what we can get away with. ―John Mulaney
Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings. ―John Mulaney
I’ve done festivals in the past where I’d be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall – but that’ll be a long way off. So it’s very exciting. ―John Mulaney
It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, “Yeah, you should be nervous.” Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, “Relax. Shut up.” And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy. ―John Mulaney
John Mulaney Quotes About Plans
I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute. ―John Mulaney
I really set out to do this traditional looking and traditional sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be. ―John Mulaney
When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast. ―John Mulaney
It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them – especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. ―John Mulaney
Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings. ―John Mulaney
I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting. ―John Mulaney
I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster. ―John Mulaney
My standup persona is like I’ll heighten things, but I’m observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state. ―John Mulaney
I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment. ―John Mulaney
It’s wrong to make fun of people but it’s so fun sometimes. ―John Mulaney
There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can. ―John Mulaney
I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die. ―John Mulaney
I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream? ―John Mulaney
It’s important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time. ―John Mulaney
It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them. ―John Mulaney
I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines. ―John Mulaney
All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it. ―John Mulaney
I do longer runs on things—a lot of stories. I really like one-liners. I like a lot of different kinds of stand-up but I’ve always been long-winded. ―John Mulaney
Things don’t exist until they exist. ―John Mulaney
I’ve always believed that you often need less. You don’t need to hear why people are friends, you don’t need to hear why people are roommates, you don’t need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something. ―John Mulaney
I never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I’d tell all of you. ―John Mulaney
Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch, nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it. ―John Mulaney
I think for many of us – speaking for just a pocket of the country – we trusted Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you don’t run home and check the nanny cam. But now we’ve left the baby with Gary Busey, so we’re going to be a lot more on it. ―John Mulaney
John Mulaney Quotes on Bullying
I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American. ―John Mulaney
The best-case scenario is everything goes perfect and smooth, but we’re also a new and weird show. So all my conversations were, “Hey last night didn’t go perfect but we kind of know what we’ve got in store for everybody episode-wise. ―John Mulaney
You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about. ―John Mulaney
I was new to acting on a stage in a narrative as opposed to acting on a stage as a stand-up. And like everything else it’s just like comfort level. The first time I did stand-up I was at a place called the B3 in New York on Third and Avenue B and I not only didn’t take the mic out of the stand, but I clutched the stand of the entire time. ―John Mulaney
It seems like everyone, everywhere, is super mad about everything, all the time. ―John Mulaney
If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter. ―John Mulaney
Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. ―John Mulaney
My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious. ―John Mulaney
People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done. ―John Mulaney
Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped. ―John Mulaney
I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now, and I will be damp later. Like the back of a dolphin, my back, the butt part of my pants is damp a lot. I don’t think it’s anything serious, but isn’t it, though? I’ll be in a restaurant and I’ll get up and be like, ‘What did I sit in?’ And it was me. ―John Mulaney
If I was at the Comedy Cellar at midnight, you yelled at the back of the room. But you, for television, play it to the camera because yes, you’re communicating to the people at home using the studio audience that’s right in front of you as a guide for that. ―John Mulaney
You should be able to say, ‘I don’t know.’ That should be an acceptable answer on a test. ―John Mulaney
I have found that people who really want to work at Saturday Night Live and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny, but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way. There’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it.’ ―John Mulaney
But no, in order for it to be authentic, hopefully you have jokes that everyone can just get on board with and then you have a few things for yourself. ―John Mulaney
If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial. ―John Mulaney
And now there’s new Nazis! I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that. ―John Mulaney
The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. ―John Mulaney
Occasionally you get that one person that says, “I really like that one part of this joke” and you go, “Oh thank you, that’s my favorite part too.” But no, in order for it to be authentic hopefully you have jokes that everyone can just get on board with and then you have a few things for yourself. ―John Mulaney
I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table. ―John Mulaney
My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you. ―John Mulaney
It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 – and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank. ―John Mulaney
I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh, but I love them, so they stay. ―John Mulaney
I remember writing stand-up jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work, didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on, was funny. ―John Mulaney
When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. ―John Mulaney
Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’ ―John Mulaney
I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. ―John Mulaney
In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. ―John Mulaney
I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. ―John Mulaney
Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s—as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. ―John Mulaney
When I’m walking down the street, I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man.’ They’re just like, ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible.’ ―John Mulaney
“The Doula” was and is a very, very special episode to me because I think it’s very funny and very weird and it also is 100 percent based on my life, in that I fainted three times during Sex Ed in real life the three different years. ―John Mulaney
It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of Law & Order in my apartment. ―John Mulaney
I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. ―John Mulaney
It’s important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time. ―John Mulaney
I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, ‘Oh, yeah, I could be like that. ―John Mulaney
Being president looks like the worst job in the world. ―John Mulaney
13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. ―John Mulaney
It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control. ―John Mulaney
I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well. ―John Mulaney
You have an imagination, you have a movie theater in your mind that plays arguments! ―John Mulaney
An episode that is near and dear to my heart is the entire cast in one room for the night because we get bed bugs in our apartment building so we have to stay with Martin Short. ―John Mulaney
If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word. ―John Mulaney
Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads. ―John Mulaney
Sometimes, I, with comedy, it’s like someone liking you in high school. They either do, or they don’t. And when they don’t, they don’t. And that’s it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you’re like, ‘Hi! I’m-’ and you stumble, and they’re like, ‘It’s over.’ ―John Mulaney
I think eventually, everything’s gonna be okay, but I have no idea what’s gonna happen next. And neither do you. And neither do your parents. ―John Mulaney
You know comedy once you’re doing it. ―John Mulaney
Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways. ―John Mulaney
I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of. ―John Mulaney
I also had Elliot Gould and Martin Short and Nasim Pedrad – let alone Zack Pearlman who is going to be a huge star, as is Seaton Smith – out there and I love writing for them and just sitting back and watching them be excellent. And when you are sitting across from Elliott Gould sharing a scene it just raises your game. ―John Mulaney
My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up. ―John Mulaney
As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert. ―John Mulaney
I wish I could go tell the 12-year-old me, like, ‘Don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.’ ―John Mulaney
You can do good work by simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term. ―John Mulaney
I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons, and quicksand is like the third-biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky. ―John Mulaney
My stand-up persona is like, ‘I’ll heighten things, but I’m observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state.’ ―John Mulaney
Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting. ―John Mulaney
I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?’ ―John Mulaney
I plan to join the ‘SNL’ band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I’ll be sure to look right into camera. ―John Mulaney
The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them we’re not a robot just so we can log on and look at our own stuff. ―John Mulaney
Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken. ―John Mulaney
In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it. ―John Mulaney
By 2029, I’ll be drinking moon juice with President Johnathan Taylor Thomas. ―John Mulaney
You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. ―John Mulaney
I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out, and I would ruin parties. ―John Mulaney
I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn’t watch important shows. He’ll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever’s on, we watch. ―John Mulaney
For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on. ―John Mulaney
I don’t look older, I just look worse. ―John Mulaney
I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don’t feel comfortable with my background weighing in, unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. ―John Mulaney
Having done stand-up on television and in stand-up specials like Comedy Central, you learn quickly that for that type of performance you’re playing to the camera. ―John Mulaney
It’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. ―John Mulaney
Sometimes, people would say, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ But that just meant, ‘Stop.’ ―John Mulaney
According to the Girl Scouts’ website you cannot buy Girl Scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything. ―John Mulaney
You have your law practice; and me, I have all these fucking markers. ―John Mulaney
I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream—might be. ―John Mulaney
I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here. ―John Mulaney
You remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘No one will look at me or I’ll kill myself.’ ―John Mulaney
I’m a very straightforward person, but that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times, you’re talking about everyone else. ―John Mulaney
I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion. ―John Mulaney
You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair. ―John Mulaney
John Mulaney Quotes You’d Love to Tweet
Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy. ―John Mulaney Share on XUnderstudies don’t normally get invited to openings. ―John Mulaney Share on XYou should be able to say, ‘I don’t know.’ That should be an acceptable answer on a test. ―John Mulaney Share on XYou all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don't know what they're talking about. ―John Mulaney Share on XI don't make plans anymore. So I'm not living minute to minute. ―John Mulaney Share on XThings don't exist until they exist. ―John Mulaney Share on XI never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I’d tell all of you. ―John Mulaney Share on XI have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don't get a laugh but I love them so they stay. ―John Mulaney Share on XJohn Mulaney Quotes with Images
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FAQs
Who is John Mulaney?
Known for his work on Saturday Night Live and for his stand-up comedy specials, John Mulaney is a stand-up comedian, actor, and writer.
What are some of John Mulaney’s most famous quotes?
Some of John Mulaney’s most famous quotes include:
* I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, man, I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now; and,
* I’m not saying that I don’t like it, I’m just saying that if I did it, it would look stupid.
What is John Mulaney’s net worth?
John Mulaney has an estimated net worth of $6 million dollars.
How many times has John Mulaney been married?
John Mulaney has been married twice. The first marriage he had was in 2001 with Annamarie Tendler; they had one daughter together in 2003 before their divorce. Having married Annamarie Maples in 2016, he has two daughters together, born in 2017 and 2018.5.
When is John Mulaney’s birthday?
John Mulaney was born on September 26th, 1980.
What type of education does John Mulaney have?
He graduated from Georgetown University with a bachelor’s degree in English and theater arts.
Conclusion
If you’re having a tough day, sometimes all you need is a good laugh. And what better way to do that than with some of the funniest quotes from comedian John Mulaney?
Whether it’s his observations about married life or his take on KFC’s infamous 11 herbs and spices, these quotes are sure to make you laugh.
So next time you’re feeling down, just remember: Life is a gift, and it’s given to us in the morning.
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