Despite being the head of the Parks and Recreation department in Pawnee, Indiana, Ron Swanson has more of an old-fashioned view of government and how it should operate.
While others around him are preparing to take over the world and shape Pawnee into their own image, Ron remains steadfastly unconcerned with his legacy, choosing instead to do what he believes is right no matter the circumstances or cost to himself or others.
If you can’t be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? That’s Ron Swanson’s philosophy on life in a nutshell.
Ron Swanson, the head of the Parks and Recreation department in fictional Pawnee, Indiana, has some of the most quotable lines in television history.
He loves meat, and he loves Leslie Knope, but that’s not all there is to love about Ron Swanson. In fact, his best quotes are not only memorable, but also incredibly insightful.
Ron Swanson’s slogan on the television show Parks and Recreation was, Never half-ass two things; whole-ass one thing, and there’s plenty of wisdom to be gleaned from his life advice and quotes throughout the show’s seven seasons.
It doesn’t matter what job you have; Ron Swanson has something to say about it. From dating to eating breakfast to leading others, here are some of the best Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Recreation.
Best Ron Swanson Quotes
[On being asked if he wants a salad] Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not. ―Ron Swanson
![[On being asked if he wants a salad] Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not.](https://versesquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Since-I-am-not-a-rabbit-no-I-do-not.jpg)
[Describing his allergies] Cowardice and weak-willed men… and hazelnuts. ―Ron Swanson
![[Describing his allergies] Cowardice and weak-willed men… and hazelnuts. -Ron Swanson, Ron Swanson quotes,](https://versesquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Cowardice-and-weak-willed-men…-and-hazelnuts.jpg)
[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating. ―Ron Swanson
America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio. ―Ron Swanson
An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA. ―Ron Swanson
Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless. ―Ron Swanson
Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car? ―Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson Quotes on Barbecues
Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat. ―Ron Swanson
Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards. ―Ron Swanson
Breakfast food can serve many purposes. ―Ron Swanson
Busy? Impossible. I work for the government. ―Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson Quotes on Capitalism
Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible. ―Ron Swanson
Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor. ―Ron Swanson
Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets. ―Ron Swanson
Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie. ―Ron Swanson
Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. ―Ron Swanson
Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars. ―Ron Swanson
Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness. ―Ron Swanson
Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything. ―Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson Quotes about Fishing
Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable. ―Ron Swanson
Friends: one to three is sufficient. ―Ron Swanson
Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that. ―Ron Swanson
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard. ―Ron Swanson
Hey Mark. This is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy’s better looking sister. ―Ron Swanson
History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake. ―Ron Swanson
I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American. ―Ron Swanson
I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief. ―Ron Swanson
I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this. ―Ron Swanson
I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm. ―Ron Swanson
I prefer quality over flash – that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive. ―Ron Swanson
I regret nothing. The end. ―Ron Swanson
I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible. ―Ron Swanson
I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.
I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures. ―Ron Swanson
I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. ―Ron Swanson
I’ve created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel… ―Ron Swanson
I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed. ―Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson Quotes on Problem-Solving
If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults. ―Ron Swanson
Keep your tears in your eyes—where they belong. ―Ron Swanson
Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow of yours. ―Ron Swanson
Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness. ―Ron Swanson
My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them. ―Ron Swanson
My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools. ―Ron Swanson
Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. ―Ron Swanson
Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night if it meant nothing got done. ―Ron Swanson
On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time. ―Ron Swanson
On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz. ―Ron Swanson
Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out. ―Ron Swanson
Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous. ―Ron Swanson
That is a canvas sheet—the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art. ―Ron Swanson
The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. ―Ron Swanson
The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes. ―Ron Swanson
The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful. ―Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson Quotes on Motivation
There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger. ―Ron Swanson
There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. ―Ron Swanson
There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food. ―Ron Swanson
There is only one bad word: taxes. ―Ron Swanson
Turkey can never beat cow. ―Ron Swanson
Under my tutelage you will grow from boys to men, from men into gladiators, from gladiators into Swansons. ―Ron Swanson
Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life. ―Ron Swanson
We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech. ―Ron Swanson
Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye. ―Ron Swanson
When I eat, it is the food that is scared. ―Ron Swanson
When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it! ―Ron Swanson
When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them. ―Ron Swanson
Quotes You’d Love to Tweet
You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’ ―Ron Swanson Share on XWhy is everyone else so bad at eating? ―Ron Swanson Share on XYou’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats. ―Ron Swanson Share on XSo you talked to Tammy? What’s it like to stare into the eye of Satan’s butthole? ―Ron Swanson Share on XStrippers do nothing for me… but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace. ―Ron Swanson Share on XThe key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy. ―Ron Swanson Share on XThe only reason anyone is going to this thing is because they’re afraid of what Marlene will do to them if they don’t. That women is tough. In 1994 I gave her a nickname, it’s unrepeatable, but it stuck. It’s my proudest accomplishment. It’s the… Share on XThere’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk. ―Ron Swanson Share on XThere's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability. ―Ron Swanson Share on XThis is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tried to deliver me a package. ―Ron Swanson Share on XQuotes with Images
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FAQs
Who is Ron Swanson?
Ron Swanson is a character on the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation, played by Nick Offerman. He is the director of the parks and recreation department of Pawnee, Indiana.
How did Ron Swanson become famous?
Ron Swanson became famous for his quotes on the show Parks and Recreation.
What are some of Ron Swanson’s famous quotes?
Some of the famous Ron Swanson’s quotes that I like the most are:
* There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.
* I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.
* Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
* Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
How is Ron Swanson’s role in Park and Rec?
Ron Swanson is portrayed as an anti-social bureaucrat who loves to eat meat and hates government interference. Despite his appearance, he cares deeply about Pawnee, as shown by him rejecting Leslie Knope’s application to be deputy director because he believes she would make an excellent city manager. He also hates children, even though they’re technically part of his job description.
What type of personality does Ron Swanson have?
Ron Swanson typically falls into the category of stoic, cranky, curmudgeonly personality. It could be said that Ron stands in stark contrast to another major character on Parks and Recreation: Ann Perkins, who is cheerful and excitable.
Conclusion
Though Ron Swanson is a character on a television show, his words ring true for anyone who has ever worked in an office.
If you’re feeling stressed at work, or just need a good laugh, take a look at some of Ron’s greatest quotes. And remember, as Ron would say, Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
You can learn a lot more about Mr. Ron Swanson by visiting fandom.com.
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